October 17th: A day that changed me forever


Sometimes it's better not to go hunting for old things. The buddhist have a great mindset about this. Essentially, Buddhist teachings say, "ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING YOU LOOKED AT OLD FLICKR PHOTOS? YOU BETTER MEDITATE NOW AND NOT TURN ON NETFLIX."

These buddhist are wise beyond their years.


I could tell you all the ways my first child changed me (ZOMG LIKE LOL CEILING CAT STYLE) or how she pushed me in to a better version of myself, or how we, together, are navigating the years of adolescence both of us looking at each other and saying, "Is this normal? I dunno?" and learning and asking and hugging (when not in front of other people).


Essentially, my introverted, ADHD first born, with incredible artistic abilities who identifies as gender fluid, has taught me more about myself than the 120 self help books or six years of therapy I've already done. Wanna know some deep, dark truths about yourself? Are you at all an introspective type of person that won't just brush off the lessons of the next generation? You're the prime candidate to have a child! Congrats! You're about to NEVER BE THE SAME HUMAN AGAIN.

Humanity thanks you for this.


To be honest with you, I've told my first born this so many times she rolls her eyes when I bring it up, which is the secret code for "I'm catching on to the lesson" for a teen. It's this message specifically, "Your generation is moving my generation forward and we are listening. I don't know if my generation did this for our parents. I don't remember the shift happening, maybe it did, but I can tell you this, to your heart and soul in front of me, we are shifting. You, your generation, your collective people, your group of humans that are asking these questions, YOU are pushing the ideals that we've held up to now and asking tough questions and WE ARE LISTENING. I AM HEARING YOU. With all caps, sorry, I know you hate the all caps, but I am hearing you. And I'm hearing you in loud, all caps, SHIT IS CHANGING NOW, sort of voice. So keep being you because YOU is the next Lesson and I AM HEARING YOU. We all are. Don't let the sleepy fool you, sweetie. We hear you. We hear you. You're louder than the dragon. We hear you."


I've said bits of this to my first born and bits to my second. They both respond with wide breaths and large chests and hearts that are open. And they hear it. And they walk it. They are the next Most Wonderful Part Of Humanity.

Until they go to school and get small and meek and forget their own power because the cheerleaders play the music too loud during lunch on spirit week and why is it is crowded in the halls and what's up with all this societal pressure to Do The Same Thing On The Same Day?


This is what parenting awake humans is like. It's a lot of apologizing. "I'm so sorry you're in a system that doesn't understand what being different feels like." It's a lot of non-judging, "You can be yourself and let others live their own truth and in the end, you might end up facebook friends? You know what? That isn't your goal in life, sorry. Forget I said that. Be yourself and let them be themselves and maybe one day we'll live in a society where you can be friend with that person for real, without fake happiness, but in a real, dynamic way that means you're connected because you're humans."

It's a lot about teaching acceptance. "It's ok that you don't fit in. You shouldn't. The world benefits from the 2.5% that DO NOT fit in. Welcome to that uncomfortable spot! The entire world thanks you. Sorry you still have to do High School."


Today isn't about the day you were made, my firstborn. Today isn't even about the day you came in to the world. Today is about how the world will never be the same because you exist. We all, your dad, your brother, your grandparents and cousins and aunts and uncles and friends and extended family and people you've never met on the internet who followed your pre-birth and your baby years, we are all connected because you came to be. We can never undo this connection. It's the greatest gift the life-energy gives; connection. We hold a string from your before now to now and you're the thread. We exist together because you existed. I am so honored to have played my part in this. I'm continually honored to get to watch you play yours.

Thank you for existing, for pushing, for believing, for bringing the rest of us in to your possibility, even when we forgot to ask where we were going. Thank you for being the creator, the question, the human behind the expectations. Thank you for loving our flaws and our imperfections and watching us fail and forgiving us. And thank you for connecting the thread of you to everyone you connect with. You connect with some amazing souls in this world. You will never be alone because of this. I am honored to be one of them you brought along for the journey and I honor those who tag along with you as well. You're our shining light of love and joy, Lucca. We're honored to be on your team. I love you, Sweetie, in ways I didn't know was possible that day you were born. Thank you for changing me these past 14 years. I look forward to the next 14.

Love, Mom

(You're the one who gave me this title and I'm honored to call myself by it. You're the one who chose to be your brother's sister and we're all so glad you did. Thank you for being his Bigger. You crush this role.)


Posted: 10/17/2018

This entry is tagged with: